Apparantly Still Adjusting...

Today I planted out my starts into the apprentice garden! I have chard, lettuce, green onions, thyme, brussel sprouts, Roma tomatoes, broccoli, and parsley. I’d been so worried about my stuff dying off in a cold night, but Bill told me “Rachael, it’s now, or never”. Planting my own garden was such a different experience than planting for ‘work’. For one thing, I let my careless nature run rampant – deciding not to pre-weed because it was going to take too long, then dropping the plants into the isles with things spilling all over. Secondly, I REFUSED to be in the bent-at-waist position – opting for a nice, relaxing kneeling position right into the bed. I also decided to plant my crops in a pattern based on size and color - as opposed to planting rows of one thing, because it looks cooler. When I was done, I realized that my rice was probably done cooking inside and just left the plants out there, un-watered. Oh, to be free. Lol.

 

It’s been a slow start for me this week. I’ve had a few hard mornings, partly due to the woodpecker, whose machinegun-like tapping has grown progressively earlier. It used to begin at 5:20, exactly, which was early, but became manageable. Now he starts in some time before 5am – I’m usually too tired to even check my watch. So there was that. Also, I’ve had another week of exhaustion. I can’t figure it out. The last two weeks I was going strong, even venturing into town for a beer a couple of nights. But, already I’ve had two nights of PASSING OUT by 7pm, and one lunch break nap. I guess I’m still adjusting? People have suggested anemia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and hypoglycemia – all those ‘catch-alls’ - - possible but I doubt it. I’m just trying to go with it – sleeping when I feel tired, and opting out of the extra-curriculars. Oh well. 

 

Actually, we were all talking about this yesterday - how when we first got here we were full of youthful energy - baking, making projects, going on hikes and staying up for one more beer – but how over the past month those things have kind of tapered off due to lack of energy after a day’s work (except the beer drinking:). It’s disappointing to think that we have all of this time and the space to create but it often goes unused. But, when it comes down to it, I am here to learn how to farm – working on my tan, etc., is just a bonus. I think in some ways I am still so used to living with a distinct separation between ‘work’ and ‘real life’. It’s hard to do that here, but I do find myself counting down the hours until lunch sometimes or choosing to forget all things associated with the farm on my days off. And thinking about this now, I realize that this is exactly the opposite of how I want to live my life. I want to be fully immersed and committed to each action I take because it will be meaningful and authentic to who I am and what I want to create in the world. But, I think this will take some time to cultivate, since I’ve spent 27 years dissociating during the hard, boring, in-between moments and maintaining a ‘socially acceptable self’ that was separate from my true self. I see my experience here as being my first step towards integration by living in a way that finally feels more authentic. 

end of the day...